He sat there, twirling it with his fingers, a conductor with his baton, getting accustomed to it before the grand show.
He was playing with his only loyal companion, that had borne with him through all the turbulent times, unconditional love, a sense of content and a teary smile on his face.
He saw himself in its seductive sheen. He could feel it. The moment was near.
It hadn't been long ago when he had tried to adapt himself to the social construct which assumed a worldly sobriquet, life. The chit chatter, laughs, the melancholy moments, vapid, some sad days, and the fact the wheels of the bus went round and round. And perhaps, he had even lost himself into this oblivion, trying to blend in, finding his place, forgetting that he would be the beast that he was born as emotionless and pathetic, that he couldn't escape this inevitability.
Unknown to him, he was born again just like a phoenix out of the ashes that had brought about its finale, from the normal world he had merged into.
A slight smile, a sweet whisper, their swinging hands and it hit. He had watched as something lurched inside his stomach. The walls that he had taken so long to build to restrain had come crashing down. It wasn't their fault and he couldn't help it either. He needed to escape, find peace, desolation. And as he turned away, two tears in his eyes, they knowing their fate never to meet again, and he, that this was never going to end, made hi way through. He swayed in the music of his misery and the failures of his life pounding upon him. He passed the people, carrying the same plastic smile and veneer of a joke well rehearsed. They weren't made to withstand.
And amidst all the chaos, shouting, screaming, jumping, dance and music, he cried. He cried his heart out. And after so much time he felt like he had been resurrected. The feeling of pain reverberated throughout the body, sending ripples to his wet face.
He wanted to scream his heart out. Images of carnal happenings filled his mind. He couldn't shun them, the more he tried to, the more he fell into its quagmire.. All came before him, the veiled expressions, pretense, a colossal sham before his eyes, and the knowledge that his mind was the culprit, that it had led him to believe half the things.
A burning sensation filled his lungs, long deep breaths. Serving the orders of the parasite that had slowly and painfully infected his brain. Turned nightmares into reality, wrecked his haven.
He wanted to scream it all out, hurl abuses at anyone possible and still he contained it in himself, he couldn't possibly find a person who could listen to it. He never really had a friend or what he defined as a friend.
People had always been wrong. The thick blood stream trickling down his arm, all the flesh he had sacrificed to the altar of supposed tranquil, it had never actually been able to give him the pleasure and satisfaction he had sought. It always fell short.
His vision became sharp, he steadied his hands. Thick incessant tears rolled down his cheeks. He drowned himself in the music, he let his emotions pound over him, tear his soul up, privy to all his darkest secrets, no barriers. He fell in, smiling, eyes closed, letting him feel the full force. The agony, torment, misery, joy, failure, disgust, undiluted pain, he let them overpower him, fortify him for the leap.
With the clear picture of her smiling, wavering in front of his teary eyes, as he adored her for one last time, he plunged the knife in his stomach. He let out a large long sigh, a groan of freedom. It was pain in all wonderment, unconditional, he had finally bonded with his true love, a marriage between him and pain. The worldly perspective vanished. He let out his world of trapped explosive, ferocious emotions, carefully preserved and tamed by the touch of the metal into the open. It was orgasmic and better. A deflowered soul finally in its true surroundings.
There was no white light as they had said, it was just plain blank darkness. Thick and engulfing as he twisted the knife deeper inside. And finally as her image faded out, his hands loosened their grip on the wooden handle and dropped to the side...
A strange white light filled his sight. He blinked his eyes several times to get accustomed to what looked like a hospital room. Life had let him live, to bear the sufferings, just to take him away in the most unwelcome of times...