In chemistry, we study, that Hydrogen exists in pairs. It can’t live without the second hydrogen. It’s unstable. It will die. It can’t even live without the other elements. Because, the others- they will take away what is his. They will take away, the electron- it’s only shot at survival.
I feel like hydrogen. Skipping. Jumping. From one person to another. Trying to find solace. Being used, each time. Not knowing what to do. I feel like wherever I go, all that I have is just going to be taken away from me. And I’m not doing anything to change that. I’m… going on and on and on, and it’s a vicious cycle and I can’t get out of it. I feel so… stupidly, selfless. The hydrogen needs another hydrogen. I don’t have anyone. I don’t have someone to talk to. Someone who, I know, can relate to me. Someone, I can be myself around.
I feel like I’m constantly talking to people who are ahead, by leaps and bounds. Striving to better. But all it ends up doing, is shattering my heart and soul.
A hydrogen atom has a positive, and a negative. Left alone, it can be ecstatic, or melancholic. It doesn’t have what the others have. It doesn’t have a neutron. Something, that offers normalcy. I can’t put into words, just how much I relate to that. And I don’t think I can ever completely describe, how my mood can switch from happy to sad within seconds, but it can never, ever, be just… normal. People ask me, why. Why I have to be this person. Why I have to care so much and why I have to give so much and why I have to feel. Feel, so much. So, deeply. But I’m at a loss of words. I do not know how should tell them, that I don’t know normal. I don’t think I’ve ever known normal. Not when depression hit me, not when I started a campaign, not when my friends left me- not when I started a magazine when I was ten years old. And not even. Not even while I type this article today. There isn’t a ‘normal’ for me, and there probably won’t ever be.
On the other hand, people argue, hydrogen is free. Free, to test its limits. It can go wherever it wants to. It is a free spirit. No restraints. But what is a free spirit worth, if it doesn’t have someone to share its choices with? What is that free spirit worth, if it can’t even be properly located, in one table? If it can give and it can take but it can never actually achieve a balance? If there is nowhere it can belong? If there is no space for the free spirit, what, is it worth? What, I ask those people, is this freedom worth? All it gives, is a nerve-wracking sense of loneliness. This feeling that hits me in the gut and reminds me that no one is like me, and so, the fact that no one will ever understand me.
I feel like hydrogen… and it’s not a good feeling.