I woke up with a realization. A realization that was life changing. I expected myself to wake up and see the world differently. But everything was still the same. The sun was still up and shining and the grass was still moist and green. At night I had invited the complexities in my head. I had braced myself for the loneliness that was to come. I had expected my happiness to be snatched away.
At night, I had realized I was gay. Contrary to everyone’s belief, I did not choose to be gay. No. I did not wake up one day and said I want to give homosexuality a try. I was born like this. Some may reinforce my notion. Some may believe that human beings are equal and that homosexuals are not ‘queer’ but the Indian society as a whole will hate me. I will have a hard life. I could choose to be optimistic. No matter how you are born, life isn’t easy for anyone. Everyone has different difficulties and different challenges to tackle. Some people may be an invisible observer to my conundrum, and I to theirs.
But I knew the kind of person I was. I was used to ranting, whining and crying. I would always have a pessimistic outlook on everything. I would make my life more difficult with the thoughts that were wallowing around in my head instead of locking them away in a box and then throwing them out of my body like the toxins they were. Who defines what I can do, and what I can’t? I am not polluted. The love that warms my heart is not a terminal disease, it is just…love. I will suffer the same heartbreak and stress as any other individual. What does my sexuality have anything to do with it? I didn’t make my role, it was given to me. Yet I need to define that role, and that is why I have an identity crisis.
How can they say homosexuality is unnatural? How can they say it is blasphemy? Who is God to judge my sense of morality? I have seen temples with vivid art of full blown orgies and ‘unnatural’ relations. There are people who will fight for my rights, and so will I. But I don’t need rights. I need acceptance. Laws don’t change society. Society changes society. It isn’t ‘Just Do It; for a person like me, but the opposite; ‘Just Don’t Do It’. That is the philosophy people will ask me to accept. Not only the society of the invisible observers but my family and the people I am closest to.
They’ll ask me to hide away and they’ll say it is for the best. But I will still be uneasy and my life will still be complicated. I may have been born a man, but society will believe that by accepting my homosexuality I have shredded away my masculinity. I could be militant with my voice. I could try and sway the public. But in the Indian society there are only two ends; the man and the woman. The ends keep getting stronger but the centre remains in its weakened state. What do I do if I don’t want to fit into the role the patriarchal society has set for men in my country?
A pendulum might swing as far as it possibly could to the two ends, but for ultimate balance it has to come back to the centre. I could wait, possibly till my death bed to let people sink in my normality. But what sort of a life is that? Why should I be a prisoner to my heart? Was I born in the world only to suffer? Or maybe life is an equation that can only be solved through the correct parts of happiness and unhappiness. Could it really be that simple?