Around this time, last year, I visited Singapore. Universal studios. One of their adventure rides was called "a leap of faith". They’d make you wear those safety belts so that you don’t get hurt. You’d eagerly stand in line, waiting for your turn, and when it would come, you'd be exhilarated. Stepping into the unknown.The adrenaline pulsed through your veins and all you could think was, any time now. Suddenly they shouted, "Jump!" and you'd close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take a leap of faith. You’d step forward, and fall. Simply fall. The rush came, and brought along with it, the knowledge that you won't get hurt. Twenty feet down you go, with the wind blowing back your hair, the whirring sound seeming like music. And it felt like there was no tomorrow. And then? You landed. Later, you’d pause, play and re-play every moment of it. Cherishing it and saving it deep into your memory. “One of the good ones”.
Simon says, "Jump!" Simon didn't tell you to land. You’re all out.
Once you jump, you can’t possibly un-jump. All that you can do is land. But where is that familiar sight of earth? It isn't there. The whirring sound of music now seems like a drill machine through which someone is drilling holes right into your head and all you want is for it to stop. You shout and you scream, but voice abandons you. You fall, and you keep on falling. And as you keep falling, you ponder increasingly over all that has happened. You analyze, you over-analyze. And you examine every nook and corner of your brain which you had termed as memories, which said "one of the bad ones", and now you're thoroughly convinced that you're no good. You’re convinced that the people who surround you want something out of the relationship you share with them.
They want popularity, or money, or fame, or whatever else it is that being with you offers. But weren't they supposed to be good people? Maybe they are. But they still want something out of the friendship. The mental battle kills you. it feels like a strand of your hair is being pulled at from two opposite directions, and it will break just about any time now- never mind the laws of physics. On one hand, they're the good ones. And on the other, you're the bad guy. How could one of the factors possibly overpower the other when you know it to be a fact that both the things are true? In moments like these, you convince yourself that their good defeats our bad. So now what? Now, how do you justify them using you? You don’t. You can’t.
All possible ways have been scrutinized till the point that nothing is left but for you to accept the fact that they're your friends because they want to be. The candle which was about to die, now burns with a flame which cries out hope. A hope to be heard. And then, just in that flicker of a moment, as the flame burns brighter, you see the green beyond the blue. You see the patch of earth and you just know you're nearer. Nearer than ever before. And that's all you need to keep going, and then you let out a breath- one you didn’t even know you had been holding in.